An Unhealthy Lack of Fear

Some people have said I have an "unhealthy lack of fear" when it comes to water.  They think I should be more careful, or take more precautions.  They see my never being afraid to plunge into rough seas, swimming alone late at night, chasing waves in my grandfather’s 14 ft whaler, or my thoughts about going whitewater rafting (so what? If I fall out, I will just swim) as reckless.  I, on the other hand, have a different take on their opinion of my aquatic behaviors.  I look at their "accusations" as a badge of honor.  A testament to my unwillingness to give up.  For had it not been for my "unhealthy lack of fear," I wouldn't be able to say, without a shadow of a doubt, that if there is something I won't apologize for saying, it is that I am a good, no great, swimmer.

But I did get a little help along the way... 

My mom and dad, my entire family, are lovers of water.  Dad grew up spending his summers in Rehoboth Beach, DE, was a lifeguard, and still is one of the best body surfers I know.  Mom was born in Iowa and lived in Wisconsin, so she spent a lot of time in lakes and pools.  She swam on swim teams and looks like a mermaid in the water.  My grandfather was swimming miles at a time when he was 6, swam at the Naval Academy, and at 86 still does his laps every day.  Through their own passion for swimming, they showed me water was something to be enjoyed, not feared.  

My parents firmly believed that if I knew how to walk, I needed to know how to swim, so they made sure I got the proper instruction and was ready.  They didn’t worry about what might happen if they took me into the ocean and, at an early age, taught me how to dive through waves, swim out of a riptide, and to feel how a wave was going to break. By understanding what to expect, I learned to respect water. 

As a child and young adult, I was given the opportunity to spend hours upon hours in the pool or ocean, and because swimming was allowed to be made a priority, I wanted to get better, be stronger.  I didn’t care if I got boiled, came out with more sand in my suit than on the beach itself, or if the boys didn’t really want me to play Shark (they probably were afraid I would beat them :)). It was all for the love of swimming and water.

It may sound a bit, oh what's the word, ah yes, "unhealthy," but I felt as though I developed a relationship with water. Water, it seemed, accepted, if not celebrated me. Water was where I felt most like myself.  Water was where I felt safe.

How Does This Relate to Teaching?

Just as I do with water, I want my students to have an "unhealthy lack of fear" of learning.

I want to do what my parents did for me and give them the tools they need to be confident learners.  To expose them to the excitement of learning, so when they see a big wave, they don’t run back to the safety of the sand, but instead charge into it.  They might dive under it, or they might jump over it, but either way, they will have come out on the other side, bursting up and out of the water, delighted in the thrill of conquering it.

I want them to find the thing that they are willing, begging, to spend hours upon hours doing, because they want to get better, be stronger.  To not care if it doesn’t work because that just means they are one step closer to figuring out what does work before they tried.

I want them know they are accepted, celebrated, can be themselves, and are safe.

So how do I do this?

I am still figuring out all the specifics (I think I always will be), but what I do know is that we have to be positive, enthusiastic, patient, love what we do, and meet our students where they are and bring them along as far as we can, during the time we have them.

It actually sounds just like teaching kids how to, you guessed it, swim.

Big shocker, but during the summer, I teach swimming lessons.  I instruct children between the ages of 3 and 10, and all of them are different types of swimmers and at different stages of expertise.

I have students who, at the sight of water on the first day, break down into tears and say they can’t swim and are scared.  They mean what they say, and I listen to them. With swimmers like these, my first goal is to just get their feet wet; I am not even thinking about blowing bubbles.

Others come with a beautiful front crawl (they look like ballerinas in the water) and are excited to learn butterfly and how to do a flip turn.  Nothing can keep them out of the water.

Regardless of where they are when they walk through those gates, I am excited to meet them and let them know right away that my goal, by the end of our time together, is for each one of them to be better, more confident, and stronger than they were when we first met.

I don’t set up insane, one-size-fits-all expectations. I find out more about my swimmers.  I talk to them about what they have done this summer, what they like to eat, or what books they have read, as we make our way into the water. 

I show them they can trust me.  I NEVER let a swimmer go under before they say they are ready.  I don’t ask them to do more than I think they are capable of doing, and I tell them that.  Do I push them? You bet, but there should never be tears.  I want them to LOVE the water, remember?

I am patient when we have setbacks or seem to stall out.  Learning anything has its highs, lows, and plateaus. I am in no rush, I know that with time and encouragement they will get there.

I hoot and holler with reckless abandon when they finally float on their back, complete their first lap of freestyle, or put their face in the water for the first time.  Each milestone is an important step in their journey to becoming a swimmer, and I celebrate them all.

Do I have an "unhealthy lack of fear" of water? You're darn right I do, and I hope one day they will too. 

Here Are My Thoughts, Pernille: A Response to "Where Are All the Female Leaders"

A few days ago I read yet another thought-provoking blog post by Pernille Ripp (@pernilleripp) entitled: Where Are All the Female Leaders?  

In this post, Pernille asked some really important and tough questions about female leaders in education, as well as us plain ol’ female educators, including:

Is it just a female thing?  Do males get asked how they do it all?  

Are they (women) supposed to feel guilty when they leave their families behind to pursue a leadership opportunity?  

Is this guilt stopping us from speaking up, from going to conferences, from taking leadership positions that we know will swallow more of our time?  

Are we creating a barricade to strong female leadership ourselves? 

Where are all of the female educational leaders?

The minute we are asked to point out leaders, how many times do our fingers point to males?  

How many times when we see a new initiative being pushed out is there few females involved?  

How many pictures of leadership meetings feature mostly males?  And what are we doing about it?

What happens to those women who want to be more than “just” a teacher?  “Just” a principal?  

Are there enough opportunities out there for them?

Are we holding ourselves back or is it a societal thing where conference committees, editors, and other people with opportunities tend to gravitate toward males rather than females because there is an assumption that women don’t want these opportunities?  

Why in a profession that is mostly female are most leaders still male?  
Did we do it to ourselves?  

Or am I completely wrong here?

Well, if you are anything like me, you are doing what I did right after I finished reading Pernille’s last question. Questioning some more.  Wondering about your own experiences, motivations, and decisions.  Thinking about sociology and psychology classes you took in college with Dr. Rabin…ok maybe at this point I am on my own... 

Then I began to type.  My thoughts and opinions were jumbled and rough, not fit for public consumption, and the “facts” I wrote down were foggy and possibly outdated, but it all had to come out nonetheless so I could sift through it. 

What came out is what you are about to read below.  These ramblings and honest truths (about myself) are what Pernille Ripp read when I got up the nerve to email to her, and this hodgepodge of generalities (I know there are men and women who do not fit into either any of the categories I am about to mention), is what Pernille encouraged me to turn into a post of my own.  So as you read this, please remember that I was still working through these questions as I wrote; please bear with me…

Possible Reasons Why We Can’t Easily See Women in Educational Leadership Roles

My Own Hang-ups

What I Would Like to See

There are conflicting reports, but it is believed by some that women are still paid less to do the same job that a man does, so that right there says something (either in fact or perception).

This is still a largely patriarchal society where a man who is tough, powerful, and “professional” or “just getting the job done” is revered and given accolades, while a woman behaving in the same way is looked at as a b*tch.  (I hate to admit it, but I have stepped away from situations because I did not want to be perceived as a relentless, overbearing, b*ll-busting…I think you get the point.)

Studies have shown that women on a whole are taught as girls to be nurturing, caring, and selfless (stay home and take care of the babies), and boys are encouraged to be assertive, aggressive, and competitive. Even the way toddlers are spoken to can sometimes depend on the gender and send a message about expectations.  Case in point: A little girl is climbing on the back of the couch, most people tell her to “be careful” (you are probably going to fall).  A boy climbing on the back of a couch is told “don’t fall” (we expect you to succeed) – crazy I know, but words and messages have power, even if they are subliminal.

What biologically was our destiny 100, 50, 10, 5 years ago no longer is true, but technology moves faster than people’s mindsets…

For this next one you have to follow closely…

1. In households where one of the spouses/partners is a teacher, it is possible, if not probable, that the teacher makes less money…
2. As you (Pernille) pointed out, teaching is a female dominated field (which may also be why teachers are not paid very much…just saying), so that person making less money is more likely a woman. (Still with me? Because I’m not sure I’m following myself at this point, but anyway). 
3. Side note: In two-income households with children, the person making less money can sometimes be expected to spend less time at their job and more time taking care of the other things that need to be done (children, house, meals…) because the bread winner needs to spend more time at his/her job making that needed dough.
4. So by following this train of thought (really impressed if you did), if both people work, and one is the one expected to be at home is probably a woman.

I can be honest with myself and say that at times I wonder if I should have children given what I give and want to continue to give to my career and my students.  It shocks me to have these fleeting thoughts when I am in the midst of an amazing moment with my students and I think about having to give a part of my teacher-self up. Especially since I have always wanted to be a mother. That’s just who I am. If I was a man, I would have always wanted to be a father.  I guess it comes back to the fact that I don’t want to shortchange anyone in my life, especially my potential children, but I also don’t want to sacrifice my passion and dreams. I guess that’s the perfectionist in me, and I have to let that go, find a new balance.

I believe we, as men and women, as educators, should be working towards promoting the best person for the job.  We also need to evaluate whether or not we are doing our best to create and ensure a level playing field for anyone who wants to play.

I think more women should and need to be leaders.  I think that I saw amazing women at ISTE who are leading in many ways, and they give me hope that I can have it all.

I think encouraging boys and girls to follow their dreams, exposing them to all that is possible, and working towards equality across the board is what makes education so invaluable.  

I think that if boys and girls, women and men learn to collaborate and see a good teammate, period, rather than a good teammate “for a boy”, or “for a girl”, that we will be in much better shape going forward.

While I know I have not begun to scratch the surface of all this, I do know that we are human, and as a result, things are not black and white, they are varying shades of gray.  I know that life is messy with long-lasting ripples that intersect and lines that blur. I don’t think you can ever grab a thread and pull it without pulling other threads (ignore this metaphor if it’s not making sense). My only point is that there is biology, sociology, psychology, economics, education…so many factors at play here.

I know I still have so many thoughts about this running around inside my brain (some in circles, some in evasive maneuvers), and I need more time to process, sort and analyze.

You asked incredible questions, Pernille, and we (society) need to continue to discuss them. 

What Just Happened? My Reflections on Hosting 100+ People

Ok, what just happened?!?  Is this what an out-of-body experience feels like?!? How can it be over already?!?

I feel like I am drunk, but never took one sip of alcohol (there wasn’t any time even if I had wanted to), while at the same time my brain is racing and every last drop of adrenaline is pumping through my veins. 

I try to gather my thoughts and recount the events that just transpired…

Did everyone have a good time?  Some people really mingled, while others just seemed to talk in their typical groups…

How was the music? Did we pick the right songs for our playlist?

I am exhausted, like could fall asleep standing up exhausted…but also so exhilarated that there is no way on Earth I will be going to sleep within the next three hours…at least!...   

I have to write Jessica, John, Doug, Janice…and thank them for coming…

How is it that I barely spoke to them?  They were here the whole time and I barely said two words to them! I barely said more than, “Hello,” “so happy you are here,” and, “thank you for coming,” to anyone!

People said it would be like this. They told me I just had to be in the moment and enjoy every second because it would be over before I knew it...

They weren’t kidding! It feels like only minute ago he asked, I said, “YES!” and we began planning…  

So again, after looking forward to this special night and sorting out every detail, how can it already be over?...

Did I even eat anything?...

Does this scene sound or feel vaguely familiar?

Raise your hand if you think what I am describing is me right after my wedding reception. (If you actually are sitting there right now with a hand in the air, I LOVE YOU!)

OK, put your hand down.

While, yes, I am married, and my reception felt incredibly similar to what I just described above, what I am really talking about is how I felt (just ask Stacey Lindes (@iruntech), Ellen Deem (@deem_ellen) or Greg Bagby (@Gregbagby)) right after I hosted my very first chat on Twitter, #EdBeat (Wednesdays @ 8 pm EDT), with the amazing Sean Gaillard (@smgaillard).

But since I mentioned it, the two are not that far off…

So whether you are planning your wedding reception, or getting ready to host a chat on Twitter, I hope you find my Top Three (+ 1) Takeaways for Hosting a Twitter Chat useful.

Find the Right Partner

Whether you are tying the knot, or co-hosting a chat, it will be far more enjoyable (and healthy) if the person you choose to partner with is someone you trust, respect, enjoy spending time with, can communicate with easily, are inspired by, and feel builds you up as a person. Sean Gaillard was, is, and will continue to be the perfect partner (My husband is too, just making sure I say that!), and here is why:

• He is an educator I admire and the walking definition of a leader (Sean facilitates not dictates). 
• He immediately made himself available to discuss ideas, answer questions, and assuage my fears (thank you Voxer!).  
• He showed that he trusted me by giving up control of the chat, and in doing so showed me that I could trust him (it’s a give and take kinda thing!). 
• He respected my ideas and always shared credit (not that I did the chat for the credit, but it always feels good when someone says, “That was so-and-so’s idea!”).
• He encouraged me to take a risk (more on that) and continued to provide immediate feedback, and applauded my efforts regardless of the outcome. (Sound familiar?)
• He is just a cool dude who has a great taste in music, movies, and has a good sense of humor. (Tell me you wouldn’t want to hang out with him!)

Communication is Key – (2 parts)

My mom always told me that the secret to a good marriage is communication, and I think that applies to co-hosting a chat as well. 

As I stated previously, Sean gets a double fist bump (with fireworks) in the communication department. Not just because he always makes himself so available, but because of the way he communicated while we were planning. If you want to be someone people listen and enjoy talking to, you should consider what I call the Sean Six:

1.       Be positive.

2.       Be consistent.

3.       Be receptive.

4.       Provide helpful feedback.

5.       Convey emotion and attitude in calming way that still shows passion (That’s a tricky one…still trying to figure out how he does it!)

6.       Explain your thinking.

The second reason communication is so vital when hosting a chat is that you are trying to facilitate a large gathering of people across time zones.  No, no one has to buy a flight, or get a hotel room, but you are asking people to make time in their busy lives to attend your chat (and without the promise of an open bar!). Plus, unlike weddings where people are (sometimes) told where to sit and with whom, this conversation is a free-for-all; all your guests will be talking to you and one another…at the same time! 

So, in order to ensure:

• people show up,
• people are able to prepare their thoughts (things move pretty fast around here),
• the conversation continues to flow,
• you cover all the talking points/questions with the allotted time,
• people feel comfortable sharing and want to participate,

You NEED to:

• be organized

(No you don’t need to get a wedding planner, but you do need to figure out a theme, a set of questions, your WHY for the chat)

• tweet out announcements/reminders ahead of time letting people know the When and Why

(You wouldn’t send the Save the Date the day before the wedding, would you? Give people plenty of notice, create a buzz, and get people excited!)

• continue to tweet out reminders

(Yes people are excited about getting married, but they also post “getting ready” pics on Facebook and Instagram to continue to remind everyone the big day is soon approaching; you have to do the same with your chat. People are busy.  They have work, classes, jogging, children, and spelunking vying for their attention.  Tagging people in these tweets makes sure people actually see the reminders and hopefully retweet them!)

• tweet out your list of questions/talking points a few days before the chat

(Just like it would have been helpful for your mother to remind you not to bring up Uncle Frank’s failed pyramid scheme, you can be helpful and let people know what they will be discussing during your chat ahead of time. You typically want to have between 5 and 7 Qs depending on the length of your chat)

• have your questions ready to be dropped

(While every now and then an off-the-cuff best man or maid of honor speech is epic, most crash and burn, get your questions ready prior to the chat. Canva and S’more are easy to use platforms that allow you to design fun/inspiring posters that can easily be tweeted out at designated times to make sure you don’t waste time typing them up in the midst of the chat.)

• drop your questions when you are supposed to

(Just like you need to stick with a schedule so you don’t end up with 3 hours’ worth of toasts and 10 minutes’ worth of dancing, you want to make sure you stick to a schedule of some sort. Some people actually preset their tweets to be dropped using TweetDeck, others say they like to allow the flow of the chat to dictate when they drop their questions – Host’s choice!)

• make sure your questions are clear and easy to find

(While I love a treasure hunt as much as the next person, I want my guests to know exactly where we will be dining and dancing so we can get the party started, and no one shows up after the party is over.  Have your questions right there in the tweet. 

Disclaimer: My questions for my first chat were a little tricky to find because I used a new format and didn’t give everyone a heads up. People spent precious time trying to figure where the questions were, rather than getting right to chatting - lesson learned!)

• welcome people to the chat

(If people show up you say, “Hi” and “Thanks for being here,” that’s just good manners. J)

• favorite, retweet, reply when applicable

(There is a reason the photographer doesn’t just take pictures of you.  You want to remember the good times everyone had, as well as be able to post embarrassing photos of your guests so everyone can enjoy them! (Just kidding…no actually I’m not.) You will want to do the same thing with tweets: remember them, comment on them, and share them – sans the blackmail.)

• share your own ideas and answers

(I will be honest, this was like getting to sit down and eat at my reception, it didn’t happen…maybe next time (Talking about the chat, not my “next wedding” shooting for one and done in the Krayenvenger household.).)

• Thank everyone for coming

(This is the same thing as welcoming people; you may be delirious by the end, but you still need to be polite!)

• follow up with people after the chat

(You were so excited to talk to your best friend from camp in 7^th grade, but you never got a chance to reminisce about that time you woke up taped upside down in your bunk! Send him/her a quick text while you’re riding in that stretch Hummer limo to catch your flight to Bora Bora (no that is not what I did…sigh!)  While the chat may technically be over, it’s kind of like last call, people always linger until they are kicked out…and Twitter doesn’t have a bouncer!)

    

     It’s Your Party, Try it if You Want to!

While weddings are a time for tradition and ritual, they can also be a time to be creative or inventive.  So if you were thinking of having a Go-Pro attached to your ring bearer (or your crazy Uncle Edgar), instead of having a videographer, do it, take a risk, no matter what it will be a story that is remembered and told over and over again! It’s the same thing with chats (and teaching for that matter).

We are always telling our students to take risks, so I decided to shake things up with regard to how I formatted our questions and gave S’mores a shot.  The reason I decided to use S’mores had to do with the fact that Sean’s chat (#EdBeat Wed. @ 8 pm EDT) was a “Mixed Tape Edition.”  What this means is we chose a variety of songs that then inspired the questions we asked. I used S’mores because it allowed me to embed music videos into the posters that stated the question.  This way people had the question and the song that inspired it all in the same place. 

While I did get mixed reviews (some people loved seeing S’mores used in this way, others thought it was perhaps a bit more complicated than necessary and spent more time than they wanted to trying to locate the questions), I was really excited and (to be honest) proud of myself for trying out a new app and then having the guts to use it the first time I ever hosted a chat. Not to mention, the failures of my chat helped me to reflect more deeply than I would have had everything just gone smoothly.  I probably wouldn’t even have written this post!

So if there is something you want to try, go for it!  Let me know when your chat is, and I will do my best to be there to cheer you on and provide feedback…if that’s what you want!

(OK this last one is really just for chats) Do it again, and again, and again…

This may have been my first chat, but it won’t be my last!

What Changed and Why It Matters

If you ever ask my mom, “What was Natalie like as a small child?” her answer 9 time out of 10 will be, “She was busy.”  That my mom’s polite way of saying they I got into everything, talked to anyone, literally shook with excitement when I hugged a friend, and was not capable of being taken out to a nice restaurant until I was 5 because I would have probably ended up in the kitchen juggling knives. I was fearless.

In kindergarten, I asked questions and spoke my mind, led the pack on the playground (sorry Mrs. Robinson), and wouldn’t have thought twice about what might happen if… I was confident.

When the first day of 1^st grade rolled around, my mom drove up to the school.  She parked the car and was ready to walk me up to the building like the rest of the mothers, when I hopped out, grabbed my backpack, slammed the door shut, began running up the sidewalk, and yelled over my shoulder, “Bye, Mom!” Thankfully my little sister (who was three at the time) was there to say, “She’s fine, Mom. I’ll take care of you.” I was unstoppable.

As time went on I became known as the kid who enjoyed playing in the rain, never wore a coat during recess, accepted any dare, would hold any animal in the science lab, and would eat anything. I was adventurous.

Then things started to change.  It happened gradually, and I am sure it was due to a variety of factors (family, friends, social/emotional development, biochemistry…), but one of the things that really stands out has to do with a duck.    

It was about halfway through first grade when I noticed I wasn’t reading the same books the other kids were reading. Or at least, I was still on the duck-in-a-pond-with-an-inflatable-ball book, while most of my classmates had moved on to the squirrels-hunting-for-nuts-in-red-leaves book.  Some had even moved on to the fish-jumping-out-of-the-water book, but not me.  It was just me and that dumb duck.

The kids who were REALLY SENSITIVE about my feelings (you should be knee-deep in my sarcasm) made comments about it.  They told me that I was, “reading the baby book” and, “only dumb kids who can’t read are still stuck on that book.”  

My teachers just told me to keep trying, and continued to work with me, but didn’t really do or say anything else about the situation.  I began to feel less and less valuable as a member of our classroom, and instead felt more and more separated from the rest of the class.  I was becoming a little less fearless, a little less confident, a little less unstoppable, a little less adventurous, and lot more self-conscious and lot less willing to put myself out there.

For the sake of not going through each “traumatic” moment that made up my 12 years in school, let’s just say that things only got worse for a while.  My insecurities grew and my self-assuredness plummeted.  I felt alone and didn’t think I had anything of value to contribute, so I kept my ideas to myself.  

(Thankfully reading did finally click for me, and even more thankfully I never, not for one second, lost my love of reading and books.  It just seems that I did better with the books that I chose at home than the ones I was required to read at school…hmmm…)

Regardless of how it happened, the damage was done, and if someone asked me to step out of my comfort zone I would have told them, “Not even if you double dog dare me!” 

What changed? How is that person the same one that just went to ISTE, is on Twitter, is getting ready to co-host her very first twitter chat (check out Sean Gaillard’s (@smgaillard) #EdBeat @ 8 pm on Wednesdays), has a blog, loves trying new things in her classroom, and embraces change that will positively impact her students? It’s simple. Becoming a teacher. Finding my passion. Finding my people, my PLN. Finding my voice and realizing that it does matter, to me. It took me a while and led me down some roads that I don’t ever wish to travel on again, but guess what, I like playing in the rain again (read http://pushingtheedge.org/navigating-risk/ by Greg Curran (@GregBCurran)).

So, why does it matter?  It matters because all of our students (and our colleagues) should come to school feeling fearless, confident, unstoppable, adventurous, ready to take risks, and know they matter.  Their classmates should value their contributions and be ready and excited to help one another. We need to create a learning environment where students value the journey, the experience of learning and collaborating together, not the trophy, or standing in the winner’s circle alone.  We as teachers need to model taking risks, setting goals, failing, going back to the drawing board, giving up control, leading so everyone is respected and heard, and never apologizing for trying our best.

Yes there will be students who, despite our best efforts, will feel discouraged, be teased, bullied, have to face enormous roadblocks, setbacks, and deal with factors that are outside our control.  However, when each of those students walk through our doors, they can and should know they are in a place where we think the sky isn’t the limit because we believe they can find a way to break through any barrier. They need to know that we will take the risk with them because we are willing to take the risk for them.    

Disclosure: At the time I was writing this blog post I was under the influence of Paul Solarz' (@PaulSolarz) Learn Like a Pirate, Greg Curran's most recent tweets, blog, and podcast Pushing the Edge, Donalyn Miller's (@donalynbooks) The Book Whisperer, and Doug Robertson's (@TheWeirdTeacher) He's the Weird Teacher.

Books Are Like Dogs

Havana never stayed in a room longer than she wanted to; she said hello, hung out for a bit, and then found a quiet spot that suited her better.

Havana smiled.

Havana loved to crawl under the covers to take a nap.

Havana could be sneaky, but was never mean spirited.

Havana liked red wine, but did not drink it often.

Havana enjoyed riding shotgun on trips to the dump and Home Depot.

Havana knew how to spend time with people who found themselves in need of a friend.

Havana was my first dog as an adult, and she passed away last night (July 10, 2015) in the field behind my parents’ house.  My husband and I were the ones who found her.

Havana didn’t suffer (to my knowledge). From the look of things, she was probably on one of her many expeditions, when suddenly she felt the need to lay down. 

She found the perfect spot: among the tall grasses, tucked in the slight rolling hills of Maryland horse country. 

She curled up, the rays of the afternoon sun warming her chocolate brown fur, and listened to the whisper of the wind and the friendly call of the bluebirds.

And with one final beat of her heart, Havana slipped quietly from this life, just like she had from so many rooms, and found a place that suited her better.   

~ ~ ~

Since as far back as I can remember, I have always loved dogs.  It was as I was writing this post, that I realized I have never in my life not had a dog for even one single day.  I don’t say this to win some kind of prize (and I apologize for the double negative), but instead to recognize how incredibly lucky I have been.  Think about it, for my entire life I have received truly unconditional love whenever I have needed it, and even when I wasn’t aware I was getting it.  I have never truly been alone.  No matter what has been going on in my life, I have been able to sit quietly with a friend who accepted and loved me on my best and worst days.  I was never judged.  I was never turned away.  Instead I was always greeted with a wagging tail and an excited look, even if I had only been gone 5 minutes.  When I was ready, they were ready.  They are a part of my life’s story and bore witness to every major milestone in my life.  In a lot of ways, dogs are like something else I have always loved…books.   

I have always loved books.  As far back as I can remember, books have been an integral part of my life. Once again I have been lucky.  I was born into a family that loves books and have never spent one day without one.  Whether I was being read to, reading on my own, or reading to others, books have been there for me time and time again.  They too love unconditionally.  No matter what is happening in my world, or what kind of day I am having, they open their pages to me and allow me to fall into theirs.  With books in my life, I have never truly been alone; I have had hundreds and hundreds of characters to keep me company.  Books have helped me to better understand myself and others and have enriched my life in countless ways.  Books have been my go-to when I need to understand what is happening, connect with someone else, or, again, feel a little less alone.

~ ~ ~ 

So as I looked for Havana last night, before I knew she was truly gone, I thought of books. 

I thought of young Rose in Rain Reign and how I too would not give up hope. 

I was taken back to when she was a puppy and I first knew she would be mine.  I had immediately envisioned us having a bond like Willy and Searchlight or Henry and Ribsy.  Even though I was 21 at the time, I felt like I was 10 again. 

I pictured Havana smiling.  Yes, Havana could actually smile on cue, but also did so when she was feeling excited, nervous, or sensed someone needed to smile themselves. She also knew when people were in need of a friend; it was as if she could sense when people were feeling truly lonely or discouraged. She could get even the most resistant of people to smile back. For these reasons, the first time I read Because of Winn Dixie, I was certain Ms. DiCamillo had met Havana at some point.  I also know that I fell in love with all Kate DiCamillo’s books because she captured the parts I loved best about Havana.

And then this morning, as we buried Havana alongside her brother Sampson, who my parents had picked on the same day Havana picked me 11 years ago, I knew we had to plant a red fern between them.  It gave me solace knowing they were back together again like Big Dan and Little Ann.

Because of books, I can say goodbye to Havana with a deep sense of peace and an appreciation for what we had together.  Without a doubt, my relationship with my dog was richer because of words on a page.

ISTE Reflections: Trust Yourself, Take a Risk

In my extended family I was always known as the one you DIDN’T go to if you needed help with something involving technology.  It was a running joke that I must emit some kind of anti-tech microwaves (or whatever kind of “-waves”) that would instantly cause a reliable, never-had-a-problem-with-it-before piece of technology to malfunction.  No one else had problems with their Gameboy (I did!). Everyone loves their iPhone and had it for years (not me – 3 different ones in 4 years, and no I did not drop them in water or drive over them with my car…).

On our way to ISTE!

So when I told them I was going to ISTE (International Society for Technology in Education), with my fearless teammate, Diana Koska (@koska4th), let’s just say they were a bit…baffled.  Excited to see me so amped up to go? Yes.  Surprised to hear that this was my choice of PD? You bet. Wondering if I realized the word TECHNOLOGY was in the title? Without a doubt!  My dad even told me that he was excited to see me stepping out of my comfort zone.

And I’m not going to lie, I had my own doubts every now and then… Everyone there is going to know so much more than me. I still call a flash drive a zip drive! I’m not an expert about anything technological, and I still flinch from time to time when I need to use a new app. They are going to spot my tech-savvy wannabe rear-end from a mile away with some kind of laser-ray! What am I thinking? I’m a lamb to the slaughter! About this time in my metal meltdown I would give myself a figurative slap (I would only ever give myself one of those for the record) and tell myself to snap out of it.  All I needed to do was trust myself and take a risk.

Some of the #BFC530 Crew (@koska4th @rharwood17 @deem_ellen @iruntech)

Trust myself and take a risk. Little did I know, my mantra for getting myself to ISTE would be my greatest takeaway from ISTE.  For if I want to, “Be the change,” as Pernille Ripp implored us all to be so passionately that first day, I have to stop listening to the what-ifs and listen more to the why-nots.  Ex. You should start a podcast. What if no one listens? Why not?!? - See what I did there? J All I need to do is trust myself and take a risk.

Me blacking out when I met Pernille Ripp for the 1st Time!

This mindset was everywhere I turned at ISTE.  Whether I was attending an amazing Ignite Session and getting pumped up by the Champion of Students’ Voices: Pernille Ripp (@pernilleripp), learning about how video games (specifically World of Warcraft) can enhance a literacy, math, or social studies class and help every child “find their tribe” and “go out and be epic” with the awesome and downright cool Peggy Sheehy (@peggysheehy), or sitting down (literally on the floor) with the inspirational and honest Rafranz Davis (@RafranzDavis) and my twerrific tweep Manny Andre (@MrEandre), to discuss an educational blog/podcast/discussion Manny and I want to start about Baltimore (more to come on that…), every place I went, I was told over and over again to trust myself and take a risk.

The Weird Teacher is pretty AWESOME! (@theweirdteacher)

And I, we, have to listen because, let’s face it, as educators taking risks is what we have to do every day, and if we aren’t, we should be!  Yes, not knowing what might happen is scary, and yes you might fail, but isn’t that the beautiful thing about education?  Success or failure, both result in learning.  In fact, EVERYTHING we do in and outside the classroom is a teachable moment. It all can be used to help students learn and grow.  What other professionals can say that everything in their life can be used to do their job, which entails empowering and inspiring children and improving the future of this world?!? If there are other callings out there that I am not thinking of at this moment, I apologize, but I still don’t think those are as sweet as ours! 

Faces from #4thchat (@ncarroll24 @koska4th @JennRegruth)

At ISTE I was also continually reminded that we have the awesome power and immense responsibility of not only teaching our students some answers, but providing each one of them with the tools, desire, and resiliency to go on quests for answers to questions that have not even been asked yet! However, in order to achieve this, we have to trust ourselves and take a risk.

ThrISTE Amigos! (@deem_ellen @koska4th)

Even more incredible is the fact that you are not alone in this overwhelming, fantastic, and wouldn’t-trade-it-for-the-world adventure called teaching.  You have your teammates, any teacher at your school who wants to come with you, your students, hopefully most of their parents, AND YOUR PLN!  At ISTE I truly learned through experience that if there is anyone who has your back and is ready to jump off that cliff into the unknown with you, it is your PLN!

These people from all over the globe are your tribe, your people.  They are your proof that while you may never have been “cool” in high school, it all was worth it because it was part of a bigger plan that brought you on the path to this time and place where you totally feel accepted and understood. (OK, to be fair I may be projecting a bit, but that was my experience at ISTE.) And to achieve this feeling of being part of something bigger than myself I didn’t have to slay a dragon, or program a computer, all I had to do was trust myself and take a risk.

Meeting Superman a.k.a Chris Nesi (@mrnesi)

So I hope that whether you were at ISTE or #notatISTE, are a “connected educator” or are currently unplugged, align yourself with old school or with new school, that you are all willing to be “the change,” “the silver bullet,” the reason a child loves learning, and trust yourself and take a risk with me.

Sometimes there are no words and those are the best times.